The OTHER day that everything changed...

Well, let's just say that God had different plans than I expected.

Wednesday, April 20th, Josh and I found out that we miscarried our first child. 

I can't say that it hasn't been rough. In fact, every day has been a struggle lately. I can't tell you how excited I was...how much I was anticipating having a baby. Even at being at almost 14 weeks when we found out, I felt an attachment to that baby that I didn't realize that had happened. 

Without giving too many details, basically, the baby's heart never developed. So it stopped developing at 8.5 weeks. The sac was developing fine--it was measuring correctly, but the baby's heartbeat never began to beat.

So this has changed a lot of things. I know that we did find out relatively early, but still, it hurts--both physically and emotionally.

If you could be praying for us, we'd appreciate it. There are so many emotions we've both been feeling, and I don't think they're going to leave for a little while. Fortunately, God has been so gracious to us and so near. Specific times He has answered our prayers immediately (He healed me three time of pain immediately as we prayed) in the past few days--and that's been amazing to see Him so close in such a hard time.

One last thing, I think it's interesting that one of the things I was processing through was the idea of 'giving up my child now'. Giving this baby back to God, as it is His. Well, I really do need to have an open hand. God is God--He can give and take away when He wants. We might not understand it, but He knows everything before it happens. It wasn't a surprise to Him that the baby had not developed a heart. I do want to clarify that it's not that He is cruel or didn't want us to have this baby. That is not His character. We live in a broken world...this is not how it was supposed to be. But since there is disease, sickness, illness, death--it is a biproduct of this world's brokenness that we live in. It isn't in His Kingdom. And I don't want to argue--I can't explain everything--but I know God is good. And He cares and He has been so close to me during this time. That has been, in some senses, more real than the pain that I've been feeling. 

Anyways, I wanted to explain what had happened. Again, please be praying for us, that we would find healing and that we would take time to rest.

Thanks for reading.

The day everything changed...

So, it's pretty crazy that one little line can change so much in someone's life. What one little line...this one! 

Yes, we're pregnant - if you haven't heard yet. :) We are 12 weeks and going strong. :) I haven't been sick at all (well, I threw up once, but it wasn't so bad I found out). We're very excited for this new journey that God is placing us on. It's been a wild one so far, and I can't imagine what having kids will be like. 

So back to what I was saying, this little line...this little, baby, is on it's way and it's already been changing my thoughts, the way I am doing things, Josh and my conversations, etc. I know I am thankful that God made the gestation period 9 months - I can't imagine if it were any less!

I've been thinking through many things, in thoughts of becoming a 'mommy', and here are some things that have been coming through my mind:

-I need to begin now giving up my child. I know that sounds crazy, but, God has shown me so clearly that this baby is His. That this baby, is totally in His grip. And no matter how much it might seem that the baby is in my control, I should start now being in the habit of giving this child back to Him. While I must do all that I can for he/she, I should still constantly give this gift back to Him--afterall, He is making this baby right now and knows everything about him/her. He knows him/her so much better than I ever will! I think this is going to be a lifelong lesson!

-I have a huge learning curve when it comes to taking care of a baby - another person! ack! I can barely take care of myself and Josh! :)

-What will it be like to raise a child in another culture? Another country? Josh and I know that where God has told us to go, He has called our children to that, too--but what will we face in raising our child? And raising them in a way that they will choose Jesus over other things? I'm sure this is a common thought even living in one's own culture...you can't force someone to choose the things you have chosen. I think this goes back to my first point. :) 

-I have a feeling that having this baby is going to really challenge my selflessness..or lack thereof. :) I have been thinking of how much I am going to have to stop doing...maybe even sacrifice to take care of this little one. How glorious I think it will be, but at the same time, I imagine it will be challenging over time. I know it will be worth it, but, I don't want to be naive of potential feelings that I might feel.

Any mom out there have any comments regarding my comments? Would love to hear them. :) I am going to be recording my 'journey' on this blog, even though it is my photography blog. I hope to post pictures of my baby bump (when it comes and isn't just my belly fat anymore :) and just share what I'm feeling.

Hope you follow along with me through this process!

Thanks for reading!

The Leopold Family | Family Portrait

Meet the Leopolds - such a cute family! :) We met here in Arizona to go through the same internship and it has been such a blast getting to know them during this time. Ashley asked me to do their family pictures and I was thrilled at the idea. In general I love to hang out with this family, so adding photography to the mix makes things perfect. :)

We headed over to Tempe Beach Lake to a more grassy area where some buildings are at. It gave the portrait a very different look that I liked much. 

Ashley you are GORGEOUS! :)

Love this picture of Zac! Looks like a stud here. :)

Favorite from the shoot! I love this picture of Psalm!! :)

It's a Psalmy sandwich! :) hehe

Zac can really throw up Psalm high. :) I was surprised by the air that she got!

Psalm was very tired at the end of our time. 

Thanks for looking - would love to hear your comments!

Allison Cap & Gown | Senior Portrait

Time to take a break from my trip pictures and show you some portraits! 

I don't think I can say how proud I am of my baby sister! :) She is now officially finished with High School and is now starting college in the Fall! Congrats Allison!! So, SO proud of you!! 

I did her previous Senior pictures without her cap and gown and you can see those here. My Mom and her wanted some pictures of her in her cap and gown and I happily said yes! Anything for my sister! So we played around in a park and had some fun.

Thanks for looking! I hope to post some more pictures from our trip, another senior session and a maternity session!

Have a great weekend!! :)

The Downs Family | Family Portrait

This. family. is. awesome. Seriously.

I met them through my parents at their church. Right away, whenever they all gathered together, I knew that it was going to be an awesome time, as this family is really beautiful. And I'm not just talking about outer beauty (as they are all very beautiful in that way as well) but the beauty that radiates from their hearts is just so encouraging and..well...beautiful. :)

I had never photographed this many people for a family portrait before and it was SO much fun! I hope that you enjoy these pictures just as much as I enjoyed taking them.

What an adorable kiddo! I love babies! :) 

 

Thanks for looking! I hope that you have an amazing week.

I'll hopefully be posting a few more shoots on here within the next two weeks before we leave to go overseas. Be watching out for them!

Also, I hope to post pictures from our adventures overseas. I won't be, at this point, saying where I'm going - that info is simply FYI, also meaning that if you know where we're going, please don't mention it at this point on the blog.

Please leave some comments below - I'd love to hear from who is looking through this blog!