Due Date | Personal Post

Today was supposed to be my due date.

(If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can go here for whenever I found out I was pregnant, and here for whenver I found out I had miscarried).

It's crazy how fast nine months can pass! I cant believe it's October, and I definitely can't believe it's October 21st.

I have a couple thoughts on everything:

-Even though I've been really sad today (more sad than I thought I'd be), it's amazing how close God is. Just in the past few days, I've had random people call me saying that God put me on their heart and they had to call me. They had NO idea that today was the day my baby was due. They had NO idea that I was sad. As well, I've had one person have a dream about Josh and I--we got out of our car to show her our two kids - a little boy and a little girl. That was so encouraging to me!

-Someone pointed out to me the other day that God is seemingly breathing 'hope' into this situation. Through dreams (such as above) and through Him just speaking to me and others, saying that I will bear again.

So I come out of this knowing very strongly, a few characteristics of God - God is near. He is the greatest comforter. He loves me deeply (and keeps trying to uplift my heart). God brings hope - the only hope I have is in Him. He holds my life in His hands (and the little life that was once in my belly, and now is in his hands in heaven).

I don't know where you are right now, but I do hope and pray, that you know all of the above things about God. Once you understand God on that level, the pain seems to dissipate a little because you can  trust Him and know He's in control. And things don't seem as chaotic as before.

Thank you for all who have prayed for me during this time. And thank you to all of you who have sympathized with me through your own experiences.

Until my next post (which I promise will be more fun and exciting),

The OTHER day that everything changed...

Well, let's just say that God had different plans than I expected.

Wednesday, April 20th, Josh and I found out that we miscarried our first child. 

I can't say that it hasn't been rough. In fact, every day has been a struggle lately. I can't tell you how excited I was...how much I was anticipating having a baby. Even at being at almost 14 weeks when we found out, I felt an attachment to that baby that I didn't realize that had happened. 

Without giving too many details, basically, the baby's heart never developed. So it stopped developing at 8.5 weeks. The sac was developing fine--it was measuring correctly, but the baby's heartbeat never began to beat.

So this has changed a lot of things. I know that we did find out relatively early, but still, it hurts--both physically and emotionally.

If you could be praying for us, we'd appreciate it. There are so many emotions we've both been feeling, and I don't think they're going to leave for a little while. Fortunately, God has been so gracious to us and so near. Specific times He has answered our prayers immediately (He healed me three time of pain immediately as we prayed) in the past few days--and that's been amazing to see Him so close in such a hard time.

One last thing, I think it's interesting that one of the things I was processing through was the idea of 'giving up my child now'. Giving this baby back to God, as it is His. Well, I really do need to have an open hand. God is God--He can give and take away when He wants. We might not understand it, but He knows everything before it happens. It wasn't a surprise to Him that the baby had not developed a heart. I do want to clarify that it's not that He is cruel or didn't want us to have this baby. That is not His character. We live in a broken world...this is not how it was supposed to be. But since there is disease, sickness, illness, death--it is a biproduct of this world's brokenness that we live in. It isn't in His Kingdom. And I don't want to argue--I can't explain everything--but I know God is good. And He cares and He has been so close to me during this time. That has been, in some senses, more real than the pain that I've been feeling. 

Anyways, I wanted to explain what had happened. Again, please be praying for us, that we would find healing and that we would take time to rest.

Thanks for reading.

The day everything changed...

So, it's pretty crazy that one little line can change so much in someone's life. What one little line...this one! 

Yes, we're pregnant - if you haven't heard yet. :) We are 12 weeks and going strong. :) I haven't been sick at all (well, I threw up once, but it wasn't so bad I found out). We're very excited for this new journey that God is placing us on. It's been a wild one so far, and I can't imagine what having kids will be like. 

So back to what I was saying, this little line...this little, baby, is on it's way and it's already been changing my thoughts, the way I am doing things, Josh and my conversations, etc. I know I am thankful that God made the gestation period 9 months - I can't imagine if it were any less!

I've been thinking through many things, in thoughts of becoming a 'mommy', and here are some things that have been coming through my mind:

-I need to begin now giving up my child. I know that sounds crazy, but, God has shown me so clearly that this baby is His. That this baby, is totally in His grip. And no matter how much it might seem that the baby is in my control, I should start now being in the habit of giving this child back to Him. While I must do all that I can for he/she, I should still constantly give this gift back to Him--afterall, He is making this baby right now and knows everything about him/her. He knows him/her so much better than I ever will! I think this is going to be a lifelong lesson!

-I have a huge learning curve when it comes to taking care of a baby - another person! ack! I can barely take care of myself and Josh! :)

-What will it be like to raise a child in another culture? Another country? Josh and I know that where God has told us to go, He has called our children to that, too--but what will we face in raising our child? And raising them in a way that they will choose Jesus over other things? I'm sure this is a common thought even living in one's own culture...you can't force someone to choose the things you have chosen. I think this goes back to my first point. :) 

-I have a feeling that having this baby is going to really challenge my selflessness..or lack thereof. :) I have been thinking of how much I am going to have to stop doing...maybe even sacrifice to take care of this little one. How glorious I think it will be, but at the same time, I imagine it will be challenging over time. I know it will be worth it, but, I don't want to be naive of potential feelings that I might feel.

Any mom out there have any comments regarding my comments? Would love to hear them. :) I am going to be recording my 'journey' on this blog, even though it is my photography blog. I hope to post pictures of my baby bump (when it comes and isn't just my belly fat anymore :) and just share what I'm feeling.

Hope you follow along with me through this process!

Thanks for reading!

The Cheney Family | Family Portrait

Meet the Cheney's! This is a sweet, sweet family - I love them! :) We met the Cheney's this past July - in fact, they were some of the first people we met here in Arizona when we moved! When I first met their son, Josiah, he was only three months old - it's crazy how fast time flies and how fast babies grow. :)

So Anna and I have been in contact and I knew they wanted pictures and we finally got together to make it happen. We went to a random area right between the store "Buffalo Exchange" and a Farmer's Market, where there are some interesting walls and some rail road tracks - we had a great time. I love family portraits, because after the initial awkwardness of taking pictures ends, they just play together. So, I hope that you can see the love and warmth of this family through these pictures. :) I know that I smiled practically the entire time I edited them! :) :)

I love this next picture! :) :) :)

Mmm...tasty rock. (yuck!)

Josiah got some air on the next shot! :)

Anna - you are so beautiful! Your eyes just stand out so much!

I asked Anna to come up behind Scott and tickle him...and apparently he's really ticklish! :) haha

Had a great time Cheney's! :)

The Valenzuela Family | Baby/Children/Family Portrait

If I had to say one word about Dayle, it would be love. She exuded love onto her children the entire time we were together. I have a lot to learn from her! :)

Dayle and I met for the first time in Dallas, TX, where I was doing a family shoot. She flew in from Arizona to spend time with her family and pictures were apart of that time. You can see those here. Whenever she learned that I was moving to Arizona, she let me know that she wanted some new pictures of her kids again, especially Mary that wasn't in those pictures since she wasn't born yet.

We set up a time and it was so perfect! The great thing about the Phoenix area in contrast to Dallas, is that it never really rains here, and the sky is always clear and beautiful. So, it was perfect weather! Nice and cool, actually (in comparison to the summer, which was stifling!).

We had such a great time and I enjoyed every minute of it! Dayle, you're a great Mom and I know those kids feel super loved by you! Love your friend!

This is probably my favorite of the shoot. I just love her eyes. The entire time I was editing these I kept wishing my eyes were that blue and beautiful! :)

I don't know what was so special about this camel, but all the kids wanted to sit right where Martin is sitting. It was actually kind of comical to watch them wait in line for it!!

Thanks for taking a look. Please leave a comment below - would love to hear from you reader!