Well, let's just say that God had different plans than I expected.
Wednesday, April 20th, Josh and I found out that we miscarried our first child.
I can't say that it hasn't been rough. In fact, every day has been a struggle lately. I can't tell you how excited I was...how much I was anticipating having a baby. Even at being at almost 14 weeks when we found out, I felt an attachment to that baby that I didn't realize that had happened.
Without giving too many details, basically, the baby's heart never developed. So it stopped developing at 8.5 weeks. The sac was developing fine--it was measuring correctly, but the baby's heartbeat never began to beat.
So this has changed a lot of things. I know that we did find out relatively early, but still, it hurts--both physically and emotionally.
If you could be praying for us, we'd appreciate it. There are so many emotions we've both been feeling, and I don't think they're going to leave for a little while. Fortunately, God has been so gracious to us and so near. Specific times He has answered our prayers immediately (He healed me three time of pain immediately as we prayed) in the past few days--and that's been amazing to see Him so close in such a hard time.
One last thing, I think it's interesting that one of the things I was processing through was the idea of 'giving up my child now'. Giving this baby back to God, as it is His. Well, I really do need to have an open hand. God is God--He can give and take away when He wants. We might not understand it, but He knows everything before it happens. It wasn't a surprise to Him that the baby had not developed a heart. I do want to clarify that it's not that He is cruel or didn't want us to have this baby. That is not His character. We live in a broken world...this is not how it was supposed to be. But since there is disease, sickness, illness, death--it is a biproduct of this world's brokenness that we live in. It isn't in His Kingdom. And I don't want to argue--I can't explain everything--but I know God is good. And He cares and He has been so close to me during this time. That has been, in some senses, more real than the pain that I've been feeling.
Anyways, I wanted to explain what had happened. Again, please be praying for us, that we would find healing and that we would take time to rest.
Thanks for reading.