The day everything changed...
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 5:48PM So, it's pretty crazy that one little line can change so much in someone's life. What one little line...this one!
Yes, we're pregnant - if you haven't heard yet. :) We are 12 weeks and going strong. :) I haven't been sick at all (well, I threw up once, but it wasn't so bad I found out). We're very excited for this new journey that God is placing us on. It's been a wild one so far, and I can't imagine what having kids will be like.
So back to what I was saying, this little line...this little, baby, is on it's way and it's already been changing my thoughts, the way I am doing things, Josh and my conversations, etc. I know I am thankful that God made the gestation period 9 months - I can't imagine if it were any less!
I've been thinking through many things, in thoughts of becoming a 'mommy', and here are some things that have been coming through my mind:
-I need to begin now giving up my child. I know that sounds crazy, but, God has shown me so clearly that this baby is His. That this baby, is totally in His grip. And no matter how much it might seem that the baby is in my control, I should start now being in the habit of giving this child back to Him. While I must do all that I can for he/she, I should still constantly give this gift back to Him--afterall, He is making this baby right now and knows everything about him/her. He knows him/her so much better than I ever will! I think this is going to be a lifelong lesson!
-I have a huge learning curve when it comes to taking care of a baby - another person! ack! I can barely take care of myself and Josh! :)
-What will it be like to raise a child in another culture? Another country? Josh and I know that where God has told us to go, He has called our children to that, too--but what will we face in raising our child? And raising them in a way that they will choose Jesus over other things? I'm sure this is a common thought even living in one's own culture...you can't force someone to choose the things you have chosen. I think this goes back to my first point. :)
-I have a feeling that having this baby is going to really challenge my selflessness..or lack thereof. :) I have been thinking of how much I am going to have to stop doing...maybe even sacrifice to take care of this little one. How glorious I think it will be, but at the same time, I imagine it will be challenging over time. I know it will be worth it, but, I don't want to be naive of potential feelings that I might feel.
Any mom out there have any comments regarding my comments? Would love to hear them. :) I am going to be recording my 'journey' on this blog, even though it is my photography blog. I hope to post pictures of my baby bump (when it comes and isn't just my belly fat anymore :) and just share what I'm feeling.
Hope you follow along with me through this process!
Thanks for reading!
Reader Comments (6)
Oh, I am so excited for you both! I can't believe it! God is blessing you in a wonderful little miracle of a baby! May God protect you all as the little one develops and grows within you! How awesome, Ashley!
We will be praying for you and the little Truckey you carry.
Much love,
Aunt Stephie and Uncle Andrew
Hey Ash,
What wise words. I completely associate with you on giving your child to God now and forever. I think it will always be a challenge. You and Josh have been an inspiration to us and now to see you having a baby and continuing to follow Jesus' call on your life is encouraging.
Love Julia
Congrats Ashley and Josh!!!
You will both be AMAZING parents no matter what country you live in =) If there were ever the epitome of Jesus in a couple, it would be the two of you.
What an exhorting post! I am excited for you both. What you said about "giving the child up to God" resonates with my thoughts lately. I remember sitting in the hospital when I was pregnant, watching Mike's mom dealing with his diagnosis. The oncologist had used a "war" metaphor to describe Mike's pending fight against leukemia, and these were not the words Mike's mom needed to hear. She said that she had wanted Mike to get a college education, so he wouldn't be drafted if the US was ever drawn into another major war...and here he was fighting in a battle anyway. In my thoughts, God reassured me that my child was His, and He has the wisdom to know what difficulties in life Luke will face and how these troubles will be a part of His work Luke's life, drawing him closer to Himself and using him in the lives of others. As a mom, I can't protect my child from everything, and while I will hate to see Luke go through tough times--I begin to grieve even to think of it--I wouldn't want to protect him from everything. That is, I wouldn't want to be so protective that I hold him back from becoming more like Christ.
Although the medical front has been relatively calm these past few weeks, I was ironing clothes during Luke's nap when my DVD ended and the room was silent. I felt a sense of sadness, and as I began to pray, I realized that I was afraid. Under the surface of all the activity each week brings, I had been overshadowed by fear, particularly the fear of losing Luke. Since Luke came into the world, Mike and I have both become much more emotionally responsive to any mentioning of children in life or in movies, and I am more aware that every adult is also someone's child. It's as though having a child has awakened us more to God's love for the helpless and vulnerable in the world, and we have a deeper sense of evil's atrocity. While I think this desire to protect our children is from God, the fear I was feeling, the scenarios my imagination was constructing, was certainly not. I unplugged my iron and knelt on the floor, crying. I told God, "I feel as though I'm cringing in Your presence, walking through life afraid of the next bad thing that's going to happen. When I was little and prayed for protection, I thought trusting You meant that You'd protect me from harm. And I know you do sometimes, but...."
Later that evening, I was listening to a new choral CD, Consider the Lilies, and the title song played:
Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, how they grow.
Consider the birds of the sky, how they fly, how they fly.
He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky.
And he will feed those who trust him and guide them with his eye.
Consider the sheep of his fold, how they follow where he leads.
Though their path may wind across the mountains,
he knows the meadows where they feed.
He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky.
And he will feed those who trust him and guide them with his eye.
[And then]
Consider the sweet, tender children who must suffer on this earth.
The pains of all of them he carried from the day of his birth.
He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the lambs of his fold.
And he will heal those who trust him and make their hearts as gold.
Roger Hoffman, the composer, wrote verses one and two similarly, so I was expecting the same chords in verse three. But there he makes the music more tender, and an unexpected dissonance carries "suffer" to my heart. In this song, God reminds me that I am meant to trust Jesus, to trust Him, not to put my trust in any promise of a sheltered life. And my prayer since then has been that knowing Jesus will be enough for me--that I will reevaluate my love for Him and begin to learn more truly what it means to walk with Christ. Until these past two years, I hadn't known suffering. It was something I had heard of, but now it seems I have grown up to a world where horrible things are happening every day. And I need Christ, who understands our suffering, who overcomes the world and triumphs over our difficulties, who glories above death and raises us to live with Him. There are so many beautiful, meaningful blessings He has given me in this life--my family being one of them. It will be a lesson for me, as you mentioned it is for you, to realize every day that my son is His child. God has called me for a time to protect, teach, and love Luke, but if ever He calls my son home while I am still living, I need to be able to accept that and not choose Luke over my God. I'm not saying that I shouldn't grieve. But I do see how in grieving, I could become bitter, closing myself off from God, claiming my own visions of the future--seeing my son do this and that, seeing my son--instead of His promises. This life is real and meaningful, but to not be overcome by fear, I need to remember that we are called to be in a relationship with God, who loves us even more passionately and unconditionally than I love my own child. And He does promise to protect and heal but in a better and more eternal way than I had looked for. So my primary prayer for Luke is that he will walk with God from early on and have a close relationship with Him. God will provide all he needs. He brought Luke safely into this world, and His love will be with him to the end.
I'm sorry this ended up so long, and I hope my writing about my recent thoughts isn't "a downer." I think I just needed to share this with someone.
I believe God will give us the wisdom we need in raising our kids, and He will be faithful to your child. I thank Him for blessing you and Josh and for opening your ears to His calling on your life. I will be praying for you, your pregnancy, and the life of your little one overseas.
To anyone who reads my previous comment: I hope my thoughts on grieving aren't offensive. I haven't actually lost a child or spouse, so I'm speaking of grief I have felt when I've been afraid of losing someone. I can only imagine what I would actually experience if something like that did happen.
Stephanie - thanks friend! I am so glad that little Truckey has an Aunt Stephanie and an Uncle Andrew back in Texas! :) haha - you guys are the best. Love you two so much.
Julia - Thanks friend; you guys have been such an encouragement to us as well. I am sad that we aren't there with you guys in Dallas, but I am thankful that we are following God wherever He takes us.
Marissa - Thanks for your encouragement! I don't feel like I am what you say I am at times :) but it is encouraging to think that you think we'll be good parents. We'll see soon enough! ha! :)
Brittni - WOW, what insight. I have a lot to learn from your experience. Thank you for sharing all of that, opening my eyes to some of what you feel and what I might potentially feel as a Mom, soon. I pray that God will make His comfort so real to you. I am so glad that He is here to be real, personal and alive to us--not just a distant God who requires things of us--but really wants a relationship with us. And the amazing thing is, that we CAN trust Him with the people in our lives. I can only imagine how challenging it has been, experiencing what you have experienced with Mike, but I thank and praise God that Mike is in God's hands. What a comfort and a joy to know. And the same goes for children, too. I am thankful that Baby Truckey is in God's control. If I didn' t know that, I think I would be a wreck right about now. :) ha! I really liked what you said at the end of your post, "So my primary prayer for Luke is that he will walk with God from early on and have a close relationship with Him. God will provide all he needs. He brought Luke safely into this world, and His love will be with him to the end." I think that is a good prayer to have--I might just steal it from you. :)